Ace's Adventure Into Unknown Territory
*Copied and pasted from a file on my desktop*
It's 2 in the morning and I am currently without internet. I am putting these words on notepad for future use.
My current mood: Bit more relaxed (thank you freshly brewed tea)
My mood 30 minutes ago: I am fucking pathetic. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME.
It's the smack middle of August. At the start of 2011 I made a list of goals. I categorized them into 4 aspects of my life:
-Physical (such as my diet and exercise)
-Monetary (how many hours I put into my work, and my net earnings),
-Academic (grades and future education),
-Miscellaneous (anything not in the other 3)
These were goals to be completed by the end of the day/week/month/year. While I failed most of them (some were daily goals such as going to sleep prior to 2AM which would be pretty difficult to achieve as I'm failing it as we speak, so they're actually closer to guidelines than goals) I've felt pretty content with my lifestyle. Or so I thought.
I live a pretty awesome life if you look from the outside. I am 22, a fresh graduate from a top-tier private university with a high GPA and great recommendations. If I wanted, I could attend most graduate schools for further education without much trouble. I instead have a job that offers endless freedom - I can take any number of days off, and work whenever and for however long I want. My hourly earnings are approximately 2-4x what people my age make. Most people work a big chunk of their teenage years to buy a car. I worked this summer for 2-3 months. I take good care of my body, and while I'm not too happy about my height (I'm 5'6"), I look pretty damn good.
I'm also miserable.
While my job is awesome and fun, it is also risky and incredibly stressful. (No I don't deal drugs). My job requires a level of self-control that (presumably) 95+% of people can't stomach. My biggest concern however, is that I haven't found someone to share my life with. I don't really mean that I want to be married (I'm still undecided if I want to or not) but I've found it difficult to find a significant other.
In April I started formulating monthly goals, that were more specific with increasingly bigger resolutions. One of the goals for this month was to read at least half of the books that are on my to-read list. While acquiring these books, I noticed a hardbound book I've read many years ago - The Game by Neil Strauss. I remembered how much I enjoyed reading it the first time, and decided to have a re-read.
I actually abhor reading. So much that I've read <300 books in my lifetime, and this includes books / textbooks I had to read for school in all my years. (basically I never really read for pleasure, so it's a rare occurrence). Reading the book reminded me the lack of balance I have in my life. The last time I had a GF was over a year ago, and while I was the one who broke up with her, the experience was MUCH more difficult for me. I have a strange history of being with a girl for few to several months, then feeling distant which leads me to break up with her, and then regretting the decision for a VERY long time. I still to this day sometimes wonder what my life would be like had I not broken up with her, and secretly wish she break up with her current BF. I spend way too much time on Facebook looking at girls' profiles wondering what it would be like to date / fuck them, like a goddamn chode. The lack of a significant other for this long duration has made me a bit loopy as well. I noticed I've started to develop trust issues even with my close friends. Realizing this I've started to wonder what I can do to correct this imbalance.
I've always been socially awkward. While my social skills have improved over time, I'm still somewhat awkward, at least when I'm with people I don't know. Worst of all, I lack the courage to ask a girl out or approaching in general, even though logically I understand the worst thing that can happen is that she'll say no. This is very frustrating, and many times I'll come back home, determined that next time, I'll strike up a conversation with a girl I like and ask her out.
I have an enormous ego. I think about the qualities I can offer to the opposite sex - I'm funny, passionate, and hopelessly romantic. I have a job that pays well, and I am physically attractive (this isn't the ego talking). After my break-up with my most recent ex, I've been indirectly rejected time and time again. I look at the guys the girls I've been interested in pick, and I honestly LOL. I begin thinking that women are terrible at finding the right guy with good qualities, and that they're missing out by not choosing me. Weeks pass. Months pass. A year pass.
We all know women are very intuitive, and that they're great at finding out the qualities a person has. So wtf? If that's not ego-shattering enough, I'm still left with the problem of not having anyone. If my current situation is not working out for me, my next solution is to find alternatives. I've thought of a dating site (like match.com, eharmony, etc.), a sex site (like adultfriendfinder), and a PUA site (such as this one) [Funny story, I actually saw Mystery appear on some talk show when I was in high school, and he advertised this site. I instantly went to the computer and typed Venutianarts.com and wondered "where the hell is this site I just heard about!? I ultimately found the correct spelling but never really got into it]
As I'm thinking about these sites, it dawns on me that it doesn't really matter which one I pick. Choosing to join any of these sites is putting up the white flag. I am proclaiming to the world that what I have been doing up until this point has been unfruitful, and I am in need of assistance. Sure I can come up with an excuse and say "I don't really have a lot of time to go out anymore" or some other bullshit. But in the end it is admitting I have failed at the game of life, yet ironically trying to convince others that I'm actually quite the catch. Admitting that I've failed in this aspect of my life is definitely not easy, and really puts my ego at its lowest slump.
Here's to celebrating what I pray is the lowest point of my life, and the start to an upward trend.
I come before you humbled, and eager to learn the art that is pick up.
PS While I first saw Mystery on TV while I was in high school, my personal experience with a PUA was when I was a sophomore in college when I attended a workshop in my local area headed by an acquaintance of mine. I never took this to the next level. I later had an opportunity to go to Vegas for the summer back in 2009 for a summer long session where I'd be living with 2 instructors and other students, but I didn't have the funds to do so. I'm still looking for guidance and if anyone happens to be in the New Orleans area who can take me under his wing that would be awesome.
In the meantime, I'll be reading Neil Strauss's Style Challenge next, and starting the newbie challenge. Not sure if I'm allowed to post this but for anyone that doesn't know what it is. Here
My goals are
-Eliminate my AA
-Be able to hold my own in a conversation
-Successfully seduce the women I want
I'm not able to dedicate everyday to learning this art, but I'm looking to take the first step, hopefully one of many.
Last edited by Ace[AA]; 08-16-2011 at 05:33 PM.
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