Freelance Director of Panda Pornography

[Naoise]

Hi I'm Naoise (pronounced “NEE-sha”) and I write subject headers that have nothing to do with anything


So in a nutshell: I suppose you could say I'm a recovering lunatic For 18 months, I suffered from a nasty cocktail of deep depression, hallucinations and agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is a fear of going outside your home, or in my case my room in a college dorm. For me, going out meant sudden temperature swings, feeling like I was going to vomit and random panic attacks.
At my lowest ebb, I didn't speak to my college-roommates for nearly two semesters because I was terrified of coming out of my room. My neighbours only knew I existed because sometimes they'd catch sight of me running back from a nearby snack vending machine at 3am. My appearance was Boo Radley-esque, hallucinations from lack of proper food werent uncommon, and I masturbated so much that I had the right arm of an Olympic powerlifter. I also failed Year 2 of my degree. Twice.

Three months ago I went to the college counselling service and spent weeks trying to work up the courage to tell my family what had happened. In between that, we spent a lot of time unraveling the fucked up stuff going through my head. Going 18 months without any real companionship (I don't even actively participate in forums or message boards for the most part) means nobody contradicts your stupid notions or gives you a second opinion on various things, so I had a few unhealthy impulses and ideas that I needed to get rid of.

14 weeks on and I feel like a new person. I've gone outside everywhere except nightclubs (I simply haven't the time at the moment; I'm in the middle of preparing for exams for the first time in ages) and I've got some great friends that I went to a lot of house parties with this year. I even came THIS close to getting laid with a super-hot Japanese girl

Anyway, at the moment I'm 22 and still a virgin. The reason why I'm writing all this is: Firstly because it feels cathartic and I'm all about that. Secondly, I think it's important to let people know that crazy shit can happen to ANYONE if they're put in a bad situation. I was a perfectly normal outgoing happy person two years ago and I'm almost back at the point at time of writing. Thirdly I think I have a small insight of being a KJ - because when I was at the very worst point of this cycle, I read forums like these as well as various books and DVDs as a displacement activity. Basically, psychological displacement happens when you've got problems so painful and overwhelming that you can't deal with them head on, so you engage in repetitive activities to distract you and make you feel like you're achieving something. And in the meantime of course, your issues don't get dealt with. I have most of the pickup books, CDs and DVDs that have ever been published; at least by the big names in the business - but I havent yet put them into practise. I definitely had (and still have to a slightly lesser extent) a HUGE sexual insecurity complex, making me feel like if I didnt read every single thing that was put out there on the subject of being a PUA (before I actually took a step outside my door) then I'd be missing some piece of the puzzle. This definitely made the whole ordeal go on for even longer than it otherwise might have.

I guess the message that I'd like to put to anyone who reads this is if you're going through something similar is to seek professional help TODAY!!! Hell, even if you aren't having huge problems go to a psychologist anyway. I get the service for free from my college so that's helpful but counselling and therapy is a rewarding experience in and of itself. You can learn how to relax and not be overcome by anxiety, you can improve your memory and learning abilities, you can learn how to relate to people around you and function better in groups. I've learned more about myself in 3 months of counselling than in nearly 2 years of being alone with my thoughts and I'm better for it. Even though the worst of this episode is behind me, I intend to keep seeing this guy and use his help alongside PUA techniques to become a better person. (Wow, just read this post back to myself. I almost sound proud that's messed up lol)

I'm a bit late for new years resolutions but this year, I'm going to finally pass this semester's exam schedule. And I'm going to lose my virginity. And I'm going to direct that panda porno.