Girlfriend's jealous ex-boyfriend Highly Frustrated Chump!

[windsorguy]

I've been with this amazing woman for 8 months now. When I got with her, I was living with my wife and 4 month old baby in an 11 year long dire, awful relationship. My new gf, was at the time living with her Neanderthal of an ex (they had been split up 4 months), but still living together as they had 3 kids.

We work together and just got chatting. Roughly the time I started reading MM, and I tried a few things out and it all seemed to work out Thanks guys xx

The chump found out about us, turned up at my house, told my wife what was going on...I was strangely relieved, because in a way he had done the hard work for me of breaking up with my wife and ending those years of unhappiness.

8 Months on, he got chucked out by the police after beating her up and smashing up a phone I had lent her & now I'm practically living with her & her kids. I still get to see my daughter and provide for her the best I can, so all is well on those fronts.

Over the last 6 or so months since he's moved out, we've tried to gradually reduce his contact with her...there's really no need for it. He can see his kids, that's fine, it's his right, but he keeps cropping back up, calling her just for friendly chats and randomly turning up at the front door.

Two weeks ago he got drunk and decided to put a brick through my car window. No one could prove it was him, but I don't have any other enemies and he had turned up at his brothers house all nervous 20 mins later, so we know without a doubt that it was him.

I've had about enough of him that I can stand.

The problem is now, that their son has just got really ill, and once again he's given a golden platter of excuse cards to play whenever he just wants to show up and see my gf. He uses every excuse he can to keep contact with her.

She tells(asks) him not to do this or that, but she's scared of him. As I said earlier, he's a Neanderthal...proper gorilla type through and through. Previous to me, she stayed with him out of fear for 15 years! So doesn't really know how to get rid of him.

I've told her I'm not going to stick around if he keeps making so much contact with her and randomly threatening me, and causing a general ass of himself. Her answer is "just for now, while kid is sick, I don't have a right to stop him seeing his kid". Point is he couldn't care less about the kid and has done nothing for any of them in over 6 months! I've done more for them and they're not even my kids. The only reason he ever is around is to keep contact with my gf and to intimidate.

It's a problem, it's the ONLY problem in our whole relationship, other than this, we make each other very happy. It's becmong more and more if an issue for me now though because I don't know when he's gonna call her or just turn up next, and every single time, it completely trashes the atmosphere and the rest of the evening.

I feel bad being harsh with her because of all that she is going through with her son at the momtent. she's finding it hard to cope as it is and she really needs me to just be supportive at the moment, but I can't be that when he's around so much. It just ruins everything.

What would you guys do to resolve such a situation? Don't say just leave her, because I really do love her and think it's worth fighting for.

Thanks

[daniellange]

If what you say is correct then he should respond to your alpha behaviour. I would be the bigger man, inform the police on your suspicions and request a restraining order for your gf.

Your her man protect her.

[windsorguy]

Already offered to do that for her I'm afraid, but she won't because she wants him to have contact with his kids. In this current situation, I think she almost feels a bit sorry for him cos their kid is sick, and she knows what it's like and what and emotional chump he is, and how he must be feeling about that situation.

I care that she is upset and am trying my hardest to be sensitive in this matter, but it's really difficult and to be honest I don't give two f#@ks how it makes chumpy feel. That's not my problem.

I said to her last week, if kid gets really really sick (kinda inevitable, he's got leukemia by the way), then would she let him in the house to see him? She said yeah but only if he got really really sick and couldnt leave the house etc for fear of infection.

At the moment, the boy is ill, but not at that stage or anywhere near it. The following day, he asked "can i come and see him"...and she let him in. I wasn't there at this time. She sat upstairs(she tells me), to minimise contact. however, the problem is, this has undone months of work to get this chump out of the house, now he's gonna think it's ok to pop by whenever he feels like it.

Following this, she told him on the phone, that he could see his kids as long as he calls ahead to arrange it. he said "ok". The very next day, he turns up outside the house...without calling ahead.

He does the exact opposite to whatever she tells him to do, then she lets him keep getting away with it. It's his way of still controlling her. I've told her all this, but she can't see it. Is in denial or even if she can see it, she doesn't know how to handle him.

The guy is *physically* more alpha than me, and taller etc, so maybe he has a stronger presence over her. He doesn't scare me, cos I can handle myself...martial arts etc, but she seems to think he could hurt me...probably cos he's beaten her and other people up before and she's been there. She hasn't seem me fight yet.

I would hate for it to resort to that, but I can see myself opening the door to him next time he turns up unexpected and lamping him one.

Am sure there are better solutions. If so, please spill! Need help guys!

[daniellange]

What state do you live in? I would check state laws on breach of property, tespassing and self-defence regarding your property. If you think you can handle him, the following method would be your best bet:

You wait for him to show up (or have him show up, whatever)

You either

A) Shove a shotgun down his throat
B) Be more present and dangerous physically, but note he might be armed with a knife so you'll be going into a confrontation at a disadvantage. (example: Grab him by the shirt, push him against the side of the wall, if he resists feel free to knee him in the nuts, and give him a few jabs to the throat, it should slow him down significantly. Frisk him briefly.

Make sure HE IS ON YOUR LAWN when you do this, this way you can tell the police (should it come to that) that he tried to breach your home, and that you were afraid of the child and your girlfriend's life. A lawyer can help you out further, should it come to this.

next, you make it... VERY, clear... dont be afraid to be nice and aggresive about it. That if he shows up again, he wont be walking away alive. That if he mistreats anyone again, he wont be seeing the next light of day, and that if he dares to even contact your wife, you'll have his head on a stick.

Alternatively you have it so he has to ask YOUR permission to see his kid, and he has to call YOU before he can even come anywhere near the house.

Its also possible to get a restraining order with exceptions.

You seem you want this answer, you already seem to know this'll be your next action. All I can do is highly disourage you from doing it. But on the other hand you seemed to be asking untill you heard this from someone, might as well be me. Yes its an option, just dont put yourself at an unnecaserry risk alright pall?

On top of this, I think its your time to walk up to your girlfriend, and tell her that the boy does not need THAT MAN, Since he has a real father that cares for him. You. You'll be more than a replacement. That you love her kids just as much as you love her, and that you'll always be there for all of them. See if that works, the boy does not need a father you described, he needs a loving man like you.

Peace bro, hope all goes well.

[eaglering]

I am going to point something out. I will be blunt.

YOU HAVE A 4 MONTH (NOW OLDER) BABY!!!! YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!!!!!

If you think going into a relationship with another women who has 3 kids that aren't even yours, rather than sorting your own family out and raising your own kid,...see my point?? It's like the opposite of going to the greener grass.

And now put this into perspective to this ex of hers. He has three kids that he wants to see. He doesn't care about his ex but he does care about his kids. In fact put yourself in his shoes, someone who wants to see his kids and does not want any man taking away his own. Honestly, I admire him because instinctively, he is doing what you should be doing.

You say you can fight?? Fine, cool! Fight for your kid!! Not any women, your kid. That is now your responsibility! You love her and you think it is worth fighting for? What about your kid, do you think your kid deserves you? a father someone who will fight for him!!

I hope you understand my context! What you have with your ex should mean more to you than another women! Anything less is selfish on your part!! I just hope you see your own kid regularly and give him/her the nurture they have earned. Fathers around the world go through bitter litigation with their ex-wifes just so they can see their kid.

I think my point is clear!
I wish you the best!

[daniellange]

That is assuming he's not there for his kid, I was kind of hoping he was

It depends on the motives of the father, but they seem pretty bleak the way I read it.